dude. monday was a really tough day. i was tired almost the whole day no matter what i did. i ended up taking a couple of naps and going to bed early. i was able to eat some tomato soup with some grated cheese melted in it and some pureed green beans. i'm still eating the frozen sugar-free (SF) popsicles, too.
i got zilch done around the house and that sucks. i need to get my home office set up.
a really powerful storm blew through here monday morning. it looks like long island got most of the damage from this doozy though. we just got about an hour of lightening, thunder, torrential rains, high winds, and one very freaked out dog.
i spent some time browsing the obesityhelp website and found some really great resources for recipes from people who have had some type of weight loss surgery (WLS) themselves. i also read up on the message boards to see what other people have experienced with the lap-band. i learned a great deal about how important it is that i have a plan and be determined to stick to the plan. good thing i love a good plan!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
the journey begins.
about a year ago, when i moved to nj and started working in nyc, my weight was the highest it had been in ever. i was finally happy with WHO i am and who i'm becoming, but what i looked like was a whole 'nother story. i didn't look in mirrors--certainly didn't even OWN a full length mirror. i avoided having to look at myself if at all possible. my clothes maxed out at size 22. i wore things that covered me up, even when it was burning up outside. i used to love to put together outfits and go clothes shopping. now i was just disappointed. nothing looked attractive on me. nothing could really cover up how fat i was.
no matter what the temperature inside or outside or how i was dressed, i was always sweating profusely. i'd have problems with my hearing aids and cochlear processor shorting out because they'd get clogged with sweat. i even buzz cut my own hair to help alleviate the problem. when walking any distance, my inner thighs would chap so badly that i would often bleed. going to the bathroom was an ordeal in and of itself. being able to appropriately and effectively clean myself after using the toilet took forever. i went through rolls of toilet paper and boxes of wet wipes in short order. i had to wipe repeatedly because i couldn't reach well enough. i had to start taking nexium (the little purple pill) because of acid reflux.
i suffered from dunlap disease--you know your belly dun' lapped over your britches disease. the skin under the belly was often inflamed and red and always moist from sweat. i had to constantly wipe that area with baby wipes and keep baby powder there in order to keep from getting sores or rashes. i could hardly bend over to tie my shoes so i started wearing slip on shoes for the most part. gotta love flip flops when you can't see your feet.
i would cringe when i would see how people would look at me. sometimes they laughed at me. sometimes they just shook their head in pity or shame. most of the time they avoided looking at me--almost as if they didn't look at me, then i wasn't real. i'd often get take out but rarely eat out. when i did eat out, people would chastise me for either eating too much or not eating enough. i would go through my whole day without eating just to avoid having to deal with others seeing me eat and then eat a huge meal when i got home.
what really hurt was when the opposite sex made it clear that i was unattractive to them because of my weight. i'd hear things like, "you have such a pretty face...............". yet at the same time, i was thankful that i didn't have to deal with relationship issues. the weight was a wall that kept me from that part of life. while my friends were married, getting married, involved in relationships, having families, and so and so forth, i was still hiding behind the wall of fat.
the wall of fat was also having an effect on my professional life. i really did not want to go to conferences and avoided them if at all possible. at one point, i even made myself sick with anxiety that my blood pressure shot up like crazy the day before i was to leave to attend a conference where i was slated for two separate presentations.
and speaking of blood pressure, i was diagnosed with high blood pressure, major depression, high cholesterol, persistent acid reflux, and glucose intolerance (pre-diabetes) over the past five to six years. the weight was changing my health faster than age ever could. i was killing myself out of fear. i was killing myself with fat.
something clicked inside me over a course of a few months after being offered the job in NYC. i started to really think about WHO i was and who i wanted to be and what that meant for my whole life. i really started to examine what the fat was doing for me, what benefits i was getting out of being fat. i realize that besides keeping me safe from sexual and romantic relationships, the fat kept me safe, invisible, and gave me an outward excuse if i failed at anything. i mean if i fail, then it's not because i'm stupid or lack determination, but because i'm fat and lazy----built in excuse right there dude.
this realization wasn't a shocking surprise. i am in the counseling/psychology field after all. what was a shock to me was that i didn't want to continue like this. i realized that i wanted to be respected for who i am and what i can do, not disrespected and dismissed based on my outward appearance.
i also figured, as aversive as i was to a relationship with a man at that time, i do want to be in a relationship eventually. that would mean dealing with painful issues far deeper than the fat could ever go. hell, i'll probably want to at least get laid once more before i die. the weight and the way i feel about the weight definitely is an excellent form of birth control. there's no way i'd want to be with a dude who would want to be with me. something would have to be incredibly wrong with a dude that would want to actually be sexual or romantic with someone as fat and disgusting as me. i'd never be comfortable enough with my body at that weight and size to be able to emotionally go through with it anyway.
at some point in this cognitive processing, i decided that i just didnt' give a F*&K what people thought anymore. i was tired of trying to please everyone all the time. i'd given up so much that i had wanted because i knew that certain people would be forever disappointed in me. i couldn't live with that. i tried to be who others wanted me to be but never examined who i wanted to be. i decided, now is the time for me to be just what i am: ME. all me. nothing but me. unashamed.
my friend, melanie, had talked about weight loss surgery and shared a great deal of information about different types of surgery that was available. until then, i had thought about it but had not made the effort to go to a consultation or anything. i went to my first weight loss surgery seminar in the city in october 2007. i wasn't quite sure which surgery was right for me, but i knew that the location i had investigated wasn't going to be a fit for me, so i started checking into different weight loss surgery centers and attended a weight loss seminar at The Valley Hospital in Ridgewood, NJ in April 2008. that was it. the nurse, Gio, was very matter-of-fact, humorous, and supportive. he made everything finally click for me and i understood the consequences of the different types of weight loss surgery. i decided on the lap-band because it carries far fewer risks, the weight loss is slower and thus your body has time to adjust and adapt to the changes, no structural changes are made to your gastrointestinal system as there are in the gastric bypass and other types of weight loss surgery, and in a worst case scenario, it is completely reversible.
when i was home in mississippi during may 2007, i told my family i was thinking about the surgery and would most likely have it done, but just didn't know when. some were thrilled and supportive while others were less than understanding--but still supportive of my decision. i then shared my decision with a few close friends and all have been so supportive of the decision that i've made.
i got word on july 18th that my surgery had been approved by my insurance company. the surgery was scheduled for august 6th, exactly five days after i was scheduled to move to a new rental. i immediately started the liquid diet that was recommended: two or three protein shakes a day, a snack, and a very low fat, low calorie dinner (i.e. broiled chicken breast and salad). the diet is necessary to reduce the fat in your liver, thereby reducing the risks of complication and pain. when there is a great deal of fat in the liver, the surgeon has to manipulate the internal organs much more in order to effectively place the lap band.
i moved on august 1st and spent the next few days trying to get as much unpacked and put away as possible prior to the surgery. i managed to get almost everything unpacked. of course, i was very sleep deprived by the time i made it to the hospital for the surgery. my surgery was done as same day outpatient surgery. i arrived at the hospital at 7:20am and was processed and prepped for surgery by a wonderful team of nurses and technicians. it really was a delight to deal with these people. the surgery itself lasted no more than 20 minutes. i was in the recovery room for about an hour and a half. my mouth was very dry, but there was absolutely NO pain. i was uncomfortable, yes, but no pain. my surgeon allows his patients to have ice chips and sips of water right after surgery so i was one of the lucky ones. after i got up and walked down the hall and back, they made me go pee and then sent me back to the same day surgery rooms. i spent the next few hours trying to sleep between having vital signs taken, breathing on the little coach2 thing, and listening/talking with nurses. all i really wanted to do was go home and go to sleep.
at 4:30pm, i was being driven home by my pal, melanie. again, no pain, just discomfort. i drank one ounce of water every 20 minutes until i went to bed. i called my mama and one of my co-workers and let them know i was ok. i would have called everyone but i was very sleepy and groggy. i texted a bunch of people. i was given liquid pain medication and i took that before going to bed at 9pm. i slept until about 6:15am.
the day after surgery on august 7th, i was in a bit more discomfort and it was a little difficult moving out of the bed. i took more pain medication and did some piddling around before going back to sleep at 10am. that afternoon, i walked ainsley around the block and felt just fine. a friend came and took me and ainsley to the dog park so ainsley could get some much needed exercise. i sat outside the park and watched. a couple of friends came over and visited with me for a while that evening. i went to bed around 11pm and took more pain medication. again, i awoke early in a good deal of discomfort, but still not real pain. i was beginning to have a lot of gas pains and gas settling in my shoulders and lower back. on the second day after surgery, august 8th, i bought Gas-X extra strength chewables and started taking them. i went to wal-mart in secaucus with melanie and that pretty much wore me out. i went to sleep around 4:30pm and woke around 6:30pm. another friend came and took me and ainsley to the dog park again. i ended up staying up a little later watching tv. the Gas-X chewables started to work a little bit and the discomfort was significantly improved over the night.
on august 9th, i was just tired. i tried eating some soft mushy food, but it didn't sit well with me so i backed off and stuck with the fluids and protein shakes. i did laundry, started painting a desk, and unpacked a couple of things. i ended up staying up very late catching up on some reading and writing. i think it was about 2am when i finally went to bed. i slept fine and there was very little discomfort. i was burping and farting a good deal so the Gas-X was working its magic.
today is august 10th, the fourth day after surgery. i was just really tired today. i finished painting the desk and got it inside before it started raining. i folded some laundry and washed a load of clothes. i also did more reading. i was able to eat some mushy food today. it was very good. i had 3 oz cup of tuna mixed with asian vinagrette, garlic powder, and FF Ranch dressing. this was whizzed through the little food processor until it was somewhat smooth--about like apple sauce or potted meat. i also had a 3 oz cup of 1% no salt added cottage cheese and crushed pineapple in plain, unsweeteded pineapple juice.
i've definitely not been hungry at all. i've been full and satisfied every since the surgery. i DO think about foods, but i don't CRAVE them. i AM anxious to be able to eat more substantial foods (like pureed meats & mashed potatoes) simply because i need the calories for energy. i've primarily been drinking water, crystal light drinks, decaff tea without sweetener, unsweetened oj diluted with water, skim milk, and soy milk. i've also been drinking vanilla creme muscle milk light pre-made shakes. they have 20 grams of protein in each one. i also have had canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix), vanilla activia, plain fage greek yogurt, sugar free popsicles, and sugar-free jello. i can't really eat more than a couple of ounces at a time but i can eat / drink every 20 to 30 minutes. i can't eat and drink at the same time. i have to stop drinking about 15 minutes prior to eating and wait at least 10 minutes after eating before drinking again. i'm hardly eating anything, but i am not hungry at all.
the lap band isn't a cure. i know this. it is just one factor in a holistic approach to changing my lifestyle. i have to eat right, be disciplined in what i eat and how i eat, exercise, meditate, and take vitamins for the rest of my life. if i want this to be successful anyway.
i'm looking forward to not having to take medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or acid reflux anymore. i'm looking forward to not sweating like a pervert. i'm looking forward to wearing fashionable clothing. i'm looking forward to using less toilet paper and baby wipes. i'm looking forward to not having raw, chapped inner thighs after walking. i'm looking forward to feeling attractive and being ok with that. i'm looking forward to eating to live, not living to eat. i'm mostly looking forward to living life to the fullest, with no regrets.
no matter what the temperature inside or outside or how i was dressed, i was always sweating profusely. i'd have problems with my hearing aids and cochlear processor shorting out because they'd get clogged with sweat. i even buzz cut my own hair to help alleviate the problem. when walking any distance, my inner thighs would chap so badly that i would often bleed. going to the bathroom was an ordeal in and of itself. being able to appropriately and effectively clean myself after using the toilet took forever. i went through rolls of toilet paper and boxes of wet wipes in short order. i had to wipe repeatedly because i couldn't reach well enough. i had to start taking nexium (the little purple pill) because of acid reflux.
i suffered from dunlap disease--you know your belly dun' lapped over your britches disease. the skin under the belly was often inflamed and red and always moist from sweat. i had to constantly wipe that area with baby wipes and keep baby powder there in order to keep from getting sores or rashes. i could hardly bend over to tie my shoes so i started wearing slip on shoes for the most part. gotta love flip flops when you can't see your feet.
i would cringe when i would see how people would look at me. sometimes they laughed at me. sometimes they just shook their head in pity or shame. most of the time they avoided looking at me--almost as if they didn't look at me, then i wasn't real. i'd often get take out but rarely eat out. when i did eat out, people would chastise me for either eating too much or not eating enough. i would go through my whole day without eating just to avoid having to deal with others seeing me eat and then eat a huge meal when i got home.
what really hurt was when the opposite sex made it clear that i was unattractive to them because of my weight. i'd hear things like, "you have such a pretty face...............". yet at the same time, i was thankful that i didn't have to deal with relationship issues. the weight was a wall that kept me from that part of life. while my friends were married, getting married, involved in relationships, having families, and so and so forth, i was still hiding behind the wall of fat.
the wall of fat was also having an effect on my professional life. i really did not want to go to conferences and avoided them if at all possible. at one point, i even made myself sick with anxiety that my blood pressure shot up like crazy the day before i was to leave to attend a conference where i was slated for two separate presentations.
and speaking of blood pressure, i was diagnosed with high blood pressure, major depression, high cholesterol, persistent acid reflux, and glucose intolerance (pre-diabetes) over the past five to six years. the weight was changing my health faster than age ever could. i was killing myself out of fear. i was killing myself with fat.
something clicked inside me over a course of a few months after being offered the job in NYC. i started to really think about WHO i was and who i wanted to be and what that meant for my whole life. i really started to examine what the fat was doing for me, what benefits i was getting out of being fat. i realize that besides keeping me safe from sexual and romantic relationships, the fat kept me safe, invisible, and gave me an outward excuse if i failed at anything. i mean if i fail, then it's not because i'm stupid or lack determination, but because i'm fat and lazy----built in excuse right there dude.
this realization wasn't a shocking surprise. i am in the counseling/psychology field after all. what was a shock to me was that i didn't want to continue like this. i realized that i wanted to be respected for who i am and what i can do, not disrespected and dismissed based on my outward appearance.
i also figured, as aversive as i was to a relationship with a man at that time, i do want to be in a relationship eventually. that would mean dealing with painful issues far deeper than the fat could ever go. hell, i'll probably want to at least get laid once more before i die. the weight and the way i feel about the weight definitely is an excellent form of birth control. there's no way i'd want to be with a dude who would want to be with me. something would have to be incredibly wrong with a dude that would want to actually be sexual or romantic with someone as fat and disgusting as me. i'd never be comfortable enough with my body at that weight and size to be able to emotionally go through with it anyway.
at some point in this cognitive processing, i decided that i just didnt' give a F*&K what people thought anymore. i was tired of trying to please everyone all the time. i'd given up so much that i had wanted because i knew that certain people would be forever disappointed in me. i couldn't live with that. i tried to be who others wanted me to be but never examined who i wanted to be. i decided, now is the time for me to be just what i am: ME. all me. nothing but me. unashamed.
my friend, melanie, had talked about weight loss surgery and shared a great deal of information about different types of surgery that was available. until then, i had thought about it but had not made the effort to go to a consultation or anything. i went to my first weight loss surgery seminar in the city in october 2007. i wasn't quite sure which surgery was right for me, but i knew that the location i had investigated wasn't going to be a fit for me, so i started checking into different weight loss surgery centers and attended a weight loss seminar at The Valley Hospital in Ridgewood, NJ in April 2008. that was it. the nurse, Gio, was very matter-of-fact, humorous, and supportive. he made everything finally click for me and i understood the consequences of the different types of weight loss surgery. i decided on the lap-band because it carries far fewer risks, the weight loss is slower and thus your body has time to adjust and adapt to the changes, no structural changes are made to your gastrointestinal system as there are in the gastric bypass and other types of weight loss surgery, and in a worst case scenario, it is completely reversible.
when i was home in mississippi during may 2007, i told my family i was thinking about the surgery and would most likely have it done, but just didn't know when. some were thrilled and supportive while others were less than understanding--but still supportive of my decision. i then shared my decision with a few close friends and all have been so supportive of the decision that i've made.
i got word on july 18th that my surgery had been approved by my insurance company. the surgery was scheduled for august 6th, exactly five days after i was scheduled to move to a new rental. i immediately started the liquid diet that was recommended: two or three protein shakes a day, a snack, and a very low fat, low calorie dinner (i.e. broiled chicken breast and salad). the diet is necessary to reduce the fat in your liver, thereby reducing the risks of complication and pain. when there is a great deal of fat in the liver, the surgeon has to manipulate the internal organs much more in order to effectively place the lap band.
i moved on august 1st and spent the next few days trying to get as much unpacked and put away as possible prior to the surgery. i managed to get almost everything unpacked. of course, i was very sleep deprived by the time i made it to the hospital for the surgery. my surgery was done as same day outpatient surgery. i arrived at the hospital at 7:20am and was processed and prepped for surgery by a wonderful team of nurses and technicians. it really was a delight to deal with these people. the surgery itself lasted no more than 20 minutes. i was in the recovery room for about an hour and a half. my mouth was very dry, but there was absolutely NO pain. i was uncomfortable, yes, but no pain. my surgeon allows his patients to have ice chips and sips of water right after surgery so i was one of the lucky ones. after i got up and walked down the hall and back, they made me go pee and then sent me back to the same day surgery rooms. i spent the next few hours trying to sleep between having vital signs taken, breathing on the little coach2 thing, and listening/talking with nurses. all i really wanted to do was go home and go to sleep.
at 4:30pm, i was being driven home by my pal, melanie. again, no pain, just discomfort. i drank one ounce of water every 20 minutes until i went to bed. i called my mama and one of my co-workers and let them know i was ok. i would have called everyone but i was very sleepy and groggy. i texted a bunch of people. i was given liquid pain medication and i took that before going to bed at 9pm. i slept until about 6:15am.
the day after surgery on august 7th, i was in a bit more discomfort and it was a little difficult moving out of the bed. i took more pain medication and did some piddling around before going back to sleep at 10am. that afternoon, i walked ainsley around the block and felt just fine. a friend came and took me and ainsley to the dog park so ainsley could get some much needed exercise. i sat outside the park and watched. a couple of friends came over and visited with me for a while that evening. i went to bed around 11pm and took more pain medication. again, i awoke early in a good deal of discomfort, but still not real pain. i was beginning to have a lot of gas pains and gas settling in my shoulders and lower back. on the second day after surgery, august 8th, i bought Gas-X extra strength chewables and started taking them. i went to wal-mart in secaucus with melanie and that pretty much wore me out. i went to sleep around 4:30pm and woke around 6:30pm. another friend came and took me and ainsley to the dog park again. i ended up staying up a little later watching tv. the Gas-X chewables started to work a little bit and the discomfort was significantly improved over the night.
on august 9th, i was just tired. i tried eating some soft mushy food, but it didn't sit well with me so i backed off and stuck with the fluids and protein shakes. i did laundry, started painting a desk, and unpacked a couple of things. i ended up staying up very late catching up on some reading and writing. i think it was about 2am when i finally went to bed. i slept fine and there was very little discomfort. i was burping and farting a good deal so the Gas-X was working its magic.
today is august 10th, the fourth day after surgery. i was just really tired today. i finished painting the desk and got it inside before it started raining. i folded some laundry and washed a load of clothes. i also did more reading. i was able to eat some mushy food today. it was very good. i had 3 oz cup of tuna mixed with asian vinagrette, garlic powder, and FF Ranch dressing. this was whizzed through the little food processor until it was somewhat smooth--about like apple sauce or potted meat. i also had a 3 oz cup of 1% no salt added cottage cheese and crushed pineapple in plain, unsweeteded pineapple juice.
i've definitely not been hungry at all. i've been full and satisfied every since the surgery. i DO think about foods, but i don't CRAVE them. i AM anxious to be able to eat more substantial foods (like pureed meats & mashed potatoes) simply because i need the calories for energy. i've primarily been drinking water, crystal light drinks, decaff tea without sweetener, unsweetened oj diluted with water, skim milk, and soy milk. i've also been drinking vanilla creme muscle milk light pre-made shakes. they have 20 grams of protein in each one. i also have had canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix), vanilla activia, plain fage greek yogurt, sugar free popsicles, and sugar-free jello. i can't really eat more than a couple of ounces at a time but i can eat / drink every 20 to 30 minutes. i can't eat and drink at the same time. i have to stop drinking about 15 minutes prior to eating and wait at least 10 minutes after eating before drinking again. i'm hardly eating anything, but i am not hungry at all.
the lap band isn't a cure. i know this. it is just one factor in a holistic approach to changing my lifestyle. i have to eat right, be disciplined in what i eat and how i eat, exercise, meditate, and take vitamins for the rest of my life. if i want this to be successful anyway.
i'm looking forward to not having to take medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or acid reflux anymore. i'm looking forward to not sweating like a pervert. i'm looking forward to wearing fashionable clothing. i'm looking forward to using less toilet paper and baby wipes. i'm looking forward to not having raw, chapped inner thighs after walking. i'm looking forward to feeling attractive and being ok with that. i'm looking forward to eating to live, not living to eat. i'm mostly looking forward to living life to the fullest, with no regrets.
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